A Joplin MO Snow Survival Guide for the Unplowed
This weekend, Joplin got a foot of snow and a full dose of irony.
Main roads were cleared. Neighborhoods? Not so much.
Welcome to the City of Joplin’s Winter Strategy™:
“If you live near a hospital, good luck.”
“If you live on a hill, build a sled.”
“If you’re elderly, the winter survival guide is basically: groceries,
blankets, and patience. Lots of patience. The streets will melt eventually.”
Our neighborhood close to Freeman Hospital turned into a live-action
obstacle course. Cars spun like figure skaters. Nurses tried to reach their
shifts like contestants on American Ninja Warrior: Snow Edition.
Families visiting loved ones got stuck in snowbank's deeper than the city’s
sense of responsibility.
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| Neighbors have "hometown values" city leaders not so much |
And who saved them?
Not the city.
It was Bob in his pickup. It was Linda with her shovel. It was the baby
strapped to a hip while mom pushed a sedan out of a snowdrift.
Meanwhile, the City of Joplin stood firm in its official position:
“Neighborhood streets are not our responsibility.”
Which is weird, because taxes are.
Yes, we pay them.
Yes, they go up.
No, they don’t come with plowing.
But don’t worry Joplin still believes in “hometown values.”
They even printed it on a cloud above city hall.
Right next to the other cloud that says “No Snow Removal for Side Streets.”
Both clouds approved unanimously. The mallet was raised. The irony was thick.
So here’s what we’ve learned:
- If you want your street cleared,
move it to Rangeline.
- If you want emergency access,
hope your neighbor owns chains.
- If you want mobility, invest in
snowshoes and a tow strap.
- If you want policy change, bring
snacks to the next council meeting.
Because in Joplin, good people replace good policy every time it
snows.
And while we love our neighbors, we’d also love to drive to work without
reenacting The Donner Party.
It’s time for Joplin to update its snow removal plan.
It’s time to stop pretending neighborhoods are optional.
It’s time to match our policies to our slogans or at least stop printing the
slogans on clouds.
Bottom line
There is no ordinance that forces the city to plow side streets within 12 hours or ever. The city’s official policy is that neighborhood streets are not part of the snow plan, which is why residents end up stuck, stranded, and relying on neighbors instead of city services.
Want more satire posts? Here's another one by Susang6